And there we have it! With CC unceremoniously pushed onto the reserve list, this year's very delayed room ballot has come to a close. Some of you will be very happy, some of you will be very sad. Some of you will have absolutely no idea where you will be sleeping next year. The ballot is a cruel and unforgiving system, and the undue amount of stress it causes can now fade into distant memory as you enjoy Freedom Day (until the next inevitable lockdown).
The biggest winner of the ballot could go to a whole host of people this year, but I am going to award it - completely out of envy and spite - to BM and his fucking patio. fucking french window having room. I hope it makes you happy. The biggest loser from the ballot is unfortunately XW in 6TS 11. Not only are you surrounded by second years (one of whom is prone to semi-regularly emptying the contents of their stomach out through their mouth and directly into the shower), but you have also chosen life in a shoebox: "Do not be tempted to take this room, it is not worth it." - JA i wish i got paid to do this.
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"Blogger flexing that he’s over 5”10 #Yeeeeboiiii"
This rather... short comment was sent in last night, presumably about the low-hanging pun we made about YR's residential ancestor in Nh23. Let me assure our readers that we hold the high ground, both moral and literal, over such bitter submissions. I'm not quite sure what measurement this commenter is referring to, because "over 5"10" actually means anything around or above the 6 inch mark. A bit of a strange presumption to make, but I appreciate the vote of confidence. Must just give off that energy... Morning all. As the ballot drys up, so too does this blogger's effervescent wit and general will to contribute. Congrats to Collin Morikawa on a great weekend's golfing, and congrats to BC on getting an Old Court room for second year. We hope its more inflammable than the others. no wait. unflammable? aflammable? not flammable? we hope it doesn't burn down. Less enthusiastic congratulations are owed to those who have wound up in Benet. sorry, i guess.
I can't believe this. I thought I played the system. I thought I was a bloody mastermind. The group chat had been active all day, CR and myself had coordinated a swoop for Botolph 2 and 3, CB was planning to join us upstairs with his poor ballot position leaving him in optimal position to claim a smaller room. It was a watertight plan. We hadn't heard any whispers of Botolph amongst our cohort, and it allowed us to have cooking facilities seeing as there was no chance we were making it to Newnham House. CR was first, and took his pick. A lovely Botolph 3. All was well and the plan seemed better than ever. But then, the first twist in our tale. DK nabbed Botolph 2 before CR and I had even hung up. How was this possible? My fever dreams of LC's hot tub were flashing before my eyes. Had my genius crumbled before me? I then did what no sensible person would do. I panicked. I searched the rooms upstairs. Botolph 4a, 4b and 5. I clicked on 4a first. It was tiny, people were complaining about low ceilings, nope. Then 4b, still tiny, little sunlight, how would my plants survive? Nope. Then 5. What I found was a gem. At my lowly 51st position in 2nd year ballot I chose a room that was 23 metres squared with an oven and a hob. The lighting wasn't brilliant but I had seconds left. I skipped the reviews and I confirmed that Botolph 5 was mine. I was ecstatic. I popped it straight into the group chat and grabbed a cold beer from the fridge. Time to celebrate... But now we come to the second twist. I checked my phone and saw I had been sent this: Fuck.
Learn from me kids. Always read the reviews. "we are predicting that anyone below the mid-120s will be (un)lucky to get into the hallowed ground. Charlie R, you're in for a stressful afternoon..."
ngl i should have put a fiver on CR to be the first victim of a full Newnham House.... absolutely excellent prediction if i do say so myself. Unlucky lad, there's always Benet? if you're desperate you could throw a tent in the fishbowl. in other news, its a BOLD early Reserve List pick for HD - I like it. no doubt that he will get a pretty sexy room out of that. could even be a shot at an unwanted prize room. In an act of bravery/passive-aggressive-hurrying-up, whistleblower EM has aired some dirty laundry in front of the whole Undergrad page. YR, we understand the value of a good nights sleep, but unreservedly condemn the un-collegiate behaviour shown towards those with less ballot privilege than yourself. Your actions were definitely below the belt, much like the stature of the previous inhabitant of the room that you finally got around to choosing.
Good morning everyone. Another very sunny day to be enjoyed from the confines of covid isolation.
Dear God. I don't know what cardinal sin you have done in a past life to deserve this, but one of you unlucky Freshers has chosen a room that was used as a temporary gyp all year. A temporary gyp shared between 8 students. Terrifyingly for you, one of those people was a certain AB. One need only consult CJH to know the true horrors of this man's food hygiene. (just don't mention salmonella - its a sensitive subject) And for the smug Freshers hoping that your glittery 1st will see you swoop into Newnham even if you hold a diminutive ballot position, know that another temporary gyp has become a prize room. This gorgeous room boasts good views, a very large floor area, and what I'm told is a "very persistent and large patch of mould". What better way than this to be rewarded for being a bang out in your first year exams. As we sign off for night two of the room ballot, there are many rooms left to be chosen - including my future room. The pressure is insurmountable. I think the possibility of a crap room next year might haunt my sleep. What if I end up with a room that looks shit? What if I'm far from my friends? Can I get a hob? An oven perhaps? What if the photos look good but when I arrive my reaction is like: Once I've awoken from my fever dreams of LC's hot-tub being the only available room left, we will have comprehensive coverage of all the juicy balloting tomorrow - with the freshers set to continue the action as early as 8am.
With the latest quick flurry of action Newnham House has 25 of its 38 rooms occupied for next year. A few moves may have slipped through the cracks, so let's do a quick round up of the second year real estate next year.
A certain EM has swooped into Newnham 21, and sources have already informed me that her "how to be a bad bitch" list will be the first thing pinned up on a cork board that until recently belonged to Corpus' bad boy WY-F. And when I say bad I mean bad like baaaad. The dude is hot af man. EB has put on a killer outfit, laced up her docs, done her eyeliner and eyeshadow with 6 different colours, and taken centre stage in the fishbowl with Newnham 20. A previous occupant said "I don't know what sort of psychopath would enjoy this much attention". I guess we know now. AP has used her Cambridge computer science education and aggregated the entire database only to land what the reviews label as the "profoundly average" Newnham 19. But it isn't all doom and gloom as at least a little Karma has snuck its way into the ballot! JF lost out on his ticket to Wembley because he had covid, but must feel better now knowing he has a front row seat to the PH show this year as they chose Newnham 22 and 24 respectively. Who would want to watch penalties when you can watch PH score instead? TC has given many a tarot reading before, but it didn't tell her this was in the future. I don't know if any of you are avid David Attenborough fanboys like we are here, but if you are then do you remember that scene in Planet Earth two when the iguana realised it fucked up and entered the snake nest? This is like that. If you haven't seen it I've included a helpful little labelled image below: TC has entered the snakes nest of number 6 Trumpington Street, and as it stands, it is just her and members of the Corpus Cohort in the year above. It is a bold choice, but perhaps one which has more wisdom behind it than we realise. She will get company from other freshers in the snakes nest, as there are two Prize rooms and the infamous shoebox 6TS 11 left on the ballot.
"If I’m supposedly a ‘shark’, how come I barely know any of the freshers on the room ballot"
So goes the submission (or should I say admission) from one "Anon lad". We find your alibi far from compelling. I know that normally the phrase goes that one is innocent until proven guilty, but if this isn't the biggest inadvertent admission of guilt I've ever seen. Was this meant to be a smug comeback? Or perhaps a genuine misguided belief of innocence? Perhaps this is what "anon lad" says to sleep at night, instead of reckoning with the moral self-condemnation that eats them up when they shut their eyes. All I'm hearing is the Jaws theme tune. As expected, the unstoppable march of the ballot sees Newnham Bombsite - sorry, I mean House - filling up. My condolences go, in particular, to GS in Nh28. When she arrives in October, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a funny smell. Well, you're in luck because that smell - should it exist - is the delightfully heady aroma of blood, sweat, tears, very tight lycra and and a years worth of flatulence from a crazy man who consumes a concerning amount of Weetabix. Genuinely, he got through a tube of 12 for each breakfast. Let's call the scent Eau de Reauwer No. 5.
Oh, Newnham 33, you were bound to be an early choice. What a room, a previous occupant labelled you:
"Such a lovely, happy room - warm, full of light, and full of space!" What a surprise that Corpus' brightest TikTok Celeb EC claims Newnham 33 as the freshers sweep into Newnham. This choice has sent shockwaves through blog HQ. EC is lovely, but I wouldn't quite stretch a description of her to 'full of light'. Maybe the room will change EC and she will wear something that isn't black or ripped this year. Perhaps more likely is that EC will change the room and sunlight shall never again reach the walls of Newnham 33, and the lampshade will get a septum piercing. I'm willing to take bets either way on our official PayPal: [email protected] The ballot waits for nobody, and we are off to the races as the first freshers clamber their way into Newnham. Strong picks early on for 33 and 11, the latter hoping to see a bit more use than in the year just gone... In other news, JO'G slots himself into the birds nest that is 37 - ready to keep an eye on any deviants roaming around the fishbowl. It's not a surprise that Newnham rooms are going like hot cakes, and we are predicting that anyone below the mid-120s will be (un)lucky to get into the hallowed ground. Charlie R, you're in for a stressful afternoon...
Last minute drama in the ballot! as Crunch time approaches, LG has pulled over on the motorway to take part in this tradition of Corpus life. Lets hope that she's not in the hard shoulder, because I'm not sure that the authorities would be sympathetic to her claims of emergency. If only they knew how important the ballot is. It is important, right? So important you'd watch it all day blogging live updates, right? guys?
Contrary to popular belief, I was actually having a rather lovely relaxed spa day today and casually threw down my frankly incredible choice to move onto the reserve list whilst getting an almost-too-deep foot massage. My heart rate has never been lower, think JA's resting HR post-(half)marathon. Now it's time to hit the sauna and sweat all this second-hand stress out.
What a rush. Everybody else is shitting bricks, right? Can't just be me.
As only ONE more second year can pick a room before everyone else is immediately and inelegantly forced onto the reserve list, the blog has heard that MH has ran to the remaining rooms to see what to choose. His desperation is palpable. The pressure of the choice must be overwhelming. His last-ditch clamours for advice are falling on deaf ears. The clock is well and truly ticking. I'm really enjoying live-blogging this. As per the suggestion of Graduate CF(/T?)'s comments on the Undergraduate FB page (somewhat immaturely a self-confessed fan of penis jokes), I'm inclined to remind readers of the shocking allegations of last year's ballot regarding MH's manhood. Whether the accusation came from a disappointed romantic acquaintance, or a hilarious colleague, is yet to be confirmed. "All PR is good PR", after all...
One can't help but notice the proximity between JB's new room in T Street and Cambridge's premier golf course; The Lakes. The CUGC captain is clearly rattled by his recent humiliation at the hands of two increasingly inebriated editors of this blog. Unfortunately, his room appears to have too little space to swing a cat in, let alone a 9 iron. We are rooting for JB, and hoping that this room choice will give him an opportunity to hone his putting, and prove his deservedness of Uni captaincy.
After an extended and despairing check of his binance account, AM has now picked Y2, a statement that looks to have set consumer confidence sky high as MW and RE dispense with their capital to pick E and H rooms without much of a second thought. The Corpus Room Ballot wishes AM the best with his dabbling in the world of cryptocurrency and can only hope that the surrounding rooms in Y fill up so that he can enjoy his final year of human contact.
After a flurry of picks overnight the buffer that IM/W so desperately craved has been achieved and so we are granted the luxury of an hour or so to ponder the events of the coming day and the one before it.
A number of submissions have come in overnight, with one naïve writer expressing great joy at reaping the rewards of 'siding with the puppet master and her secret database' as if this was an active decision of theirs as opposed to mere accordance with the order set from eternity. This writer has decided not to 'poke the bear' due to their living situation next year, although they may be able to find an outlet for their desires by joining JG in her aforementioned process of becoming enamoured with her arachnid roomies. SB writes in frustration about the ballot's placement of the 'poor Kiwi' at 5.30 New Zealand time, however I contend SB has much to be happy about, the eleven (11) reacts received on his message in the year wide group chat going some way to sort out the comedic imbalance in his current romantic situation. IM/W also wrote in. Well everybody, it looks like our first day of fun has come to a close with MW taking her sweet time. We do hope you've enjoyed the show so far and will join us again after a brief intermission. Ice cream will be sold along the isles for an extortionate price with those little shitty wooden spoons. Good luck braving the queue for the loo if you don't want to miss the start of the second half. Hold it.
Good yard With a cheeky pick of D8 - not too close but not too far - Maverick has poised himself brilliantly for definitely not sharking on his return from Россия. A beauty of a room with one hell of a view, but it lacks what so many of us crave, a sink. Nevertheless, with bin court down below we may see a return to the Measly Middle Ages, chamber pots and all.
If you happen to be wandering through the dappled sunlight of Leck gardens next year, or visiting the gym to sit on a slide-y seat rowing for hours, then make sure to keep an eye out for Leckhampton's newest resident. Casting your eyes to the trees, you might be lucky enough to spot a wild JM swinging through the vines, clambering up trunks and aggressively shouting about the benefits of a plant-based diet as he munches on the leaves. His relocation to Cranmer Road will allow him to frolic in his natural habitat in the canopy, and Corpus's naturalists should take every opportunity to view this physical specimen in all his glory.
'You may think you had a role in choosing your room. Some agency. You are wrong. You are pathetic. You are the helpless servant of the powers that be. That Singular power that is AH. She knew where you were going before you even did yourself. It's all part of her game. Her game is all that there is. And we are merely pawns.'
Well that was certainly something. All I know is that Annie's internship for Birdlife has very clearly taken a backseat on what has turned out to be a beautiful Friday afternoon in Cambridge. My advice - get outside, look at some birds and soak up some vitamin D. Maybe even scout out your pick for next year while you're at it, although we already know you definitely have. |
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