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And so concludes the 2026 season. MVPs (and LVPs, I'm not telling you which) include: the non-second years staying at Newnham House, JS, whoever runs this blog, the homoerotic friends that gaymogged me by choosing to suffer in Barton Road together, the PR team for Cranmer Road (to no avail), everyone who felt their cortisol spike over this room ballot (why does every other college brutally frame mog Corpusvicular?), MW (may she rest in peace), the beautiful girls of Newnham House (the boys can die), LO's general disaster resolution skills, Taco Bell, KH and EH for their words of wisdom, the concept of a continuous lease, the exorbitant prices we're forced to put up with in return for subpar housing, the Taylor crashouts, the students who appeared only for this room ballot and will now return to the shadows, etc etc.
In the words of a famous scholar (HZ)... Ciao!
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Hello all. I have been in the library since 5pm yesterday, eagerly awaiting the start of our beloved ballot's final day. 5 contestants remain. There are 2 rooms at Benet, 4 at Cranmer, and a staggering 9 at Barton. May the odds be ever in your favour.
Despite the noble CS TD HS throuple's sacrifice, only 11 non-Barton spaces remain with 12 left to choose. Thoughts and prayers for whoever poor soul ends up sharing what critics are already beginning to describe as the craziest place mildly close to Cambridge. I hope by the time we see them again in third year the isolation will have only made them stronger.
Every 15 minutes a cannon goes off, and I realise I'm never getting to Benet. As someone who prides themselves on taking every catastrophe in their stride and turning it into humour, I really may be at my limit with this housing situation. If it isn't a fellow member of this very university playing a sick, trifling game with me, it seems that the university itself will step into the role of Gamemaker and send me back into the arena of immeasurable pain and suffering. I cannot remember who the real enemy is if the enemy is everything, everywhere, all at once. To whomever finds me after the bloodshed of the room ballot, please lay flowers over my corpse like Katniss did with Rue. It's the least this sick world could do.
Is Barton that bad? As panic sets in, CS and TD consider entering into a daemonic Barton pact. JPR and CB may be forced to join. Like Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia dividing up Poland, the two set their sights on the grimmest digs in Botolph and T street. But one may betray, like Stalin to Hitler. CS is ranked higher. An alternative proposition arises. They move to Barton. Harmonious peace; a rural retreat. LO and CAF unite in support! TD sets his heart on BR4! TD could crash at LO's Newnham palace! CS could... join (cuck chairs etc)? At weekends, then, they could retreat to the luxurious, multi-window en suite rooms. The well-fitted kitchen - hobs! ovens! toaster! microwave! kettle! washer! dryer! It all seems too good to be true! In truth, Barton trumps all other Corpus accom! The glorious palace with its white walls, double glazing, and ample gardens, but a stone's throw away from Leck. ... But will CS agree to it, or betray TD? TD could be forced to Leck alone. A solum existence. Or Botolph 4a: a room that College presumably bribed fire inspectors to pass. It's literally made of wattle and daub. (Thankfully, the low ceilings would pose no challenge.) JPR is less optimistic. He realises Belfast is as close as Barton and resigns himself to the library floor. CB, meanwhile, may use his bourgeois wealth to nab another Bene't room, rising above the situation like the Blessed Virgin Mary. It all hangs in the balance.
JPR and the Ballot JPR stands by the list, Cheerful as ever, popular as ever, And yet, like a shadow, Newnham House Slips past him. First years have taken the stairs, Claimed the rooms, the light, the view, And he, just leaving for Spain or Paris, Will not know where to return. Evensong, they say, will mark his slot. Perhaps Daria will find him a room. Perhaps not. Miracles are always in the future. Pray, my dear brethren, that a miracle occurs… Or at least a decent staircase.
O cruel Ballot, tolling in the hall, Why hath thou banished us, second-year thrall? Law, MML, by fate’s cold decree, Exiled ere our names could e’er appear thee. First years, like nimble spirits, seize each stair, court-view, and sunlight fair, Whilst we, with passports, books, and aching hearts, Depart for Spain, Italy, Paris — in parts. There wanders the Dante-loving Italianist, Quoting verses, lost in selva oscura’s mist, The football-crazed lad, chasing glory abroad, Dreams of goals while Cambridge flats lie flawed. The pelikinding Russianist sighs in exile, Russia denied, yet scheming all the while, And lawyers—one to Singapore’s gleam, One pedalling Amsterdam, chasing dream. Footnotes trail like shadows in the night, Verbs and codes our companions bright, Yet trembles our soul with one dread fear: When we return, Fourth-Year rooms appear… No staircase ours, no panel, no door, Daria whispers — “Eventually,” nothing more. Ere Sammon replies, our year abroad shall end, And Cambridge itself our poor souls shall rend. O cruel fate! To wander wide and free, And home return to squalor’s cruel decree. Spin, dear Ballot, spin — our names left to dust, Yet cosmopolitan still, in exile and trust.
So glad newnhams finished - this is entertaining again now. Popcorns at the ready for the last stragglers who have to pick between cranmer benet and barton - its like a really shit ‘choose your starter pokemon’ but instead of fire water and grass its 20 minute cycle, noisy shoebox, or the middle of fucking nowhere.
Admin note: I am going to murder you with my bare hands. Then we'll see about entertaining LO set to take the role of scorned wife as CS and TD consummate their love through the ultimate sacrifice (sharing Barton Road together). Will report back as this breaking story develops.
A new bombshell has entered the villa (Barton Road) and it is... CS? The crowd gasps, the lights go up, the music swells, the stage is set. Like a mother sending their son to war, we wish him luck as he crosses No Man's Land itself, taking MANY an unnecessary journey and crossing an extremely treacherous (Barton) Road...
In a new low for this corrupt ballot cycle, JS (Jaycub Salmon), the JCR (Jaycub's Corruption Regiment) and whoever else is running this damn page, are reportedly "out of ideas" for the blog. JS is instead demanding that the poor, ballot-stressed, overworked freshers do his work for him. Will the controversy ever end?
getting the stage where I should just commute to cambridge from home, at least all the NPCs in this college got the rooms I was praying for yay!!!!! So excited for my slot, it may just be the worst moment of my week as I condemn myself to a year of mould, misery and mischief
Durkheim tells us that those dissenfranchised go through anomie, and experience feelings of anger, loneliness, depression, and may even be prompted to acts of violence towards themselves or others... is Barton Road, an establishment closer to an organ-farming front than university accommodation, not designed prompt these exact feelings, while everyone else allegedly lives it up at Newnham House? What will become of those poor souls? Why does a university that alleges to care about us put up through a process that has ruined the lives of several of our most beloved students? Why are first and second years desperate to recapture the glow of their youth still desperately hanging on and ignoring all social convention in giving up Newnham to the new generation? These questions, I fear, may never be answered...
Nothing shady to report here, merely wanted to point out that now Newnham House is done and gone we can, at least, confirm that the tradition of supermodels of Newnham House is safe for one more year. SL, TT, KH, PHD, AH, the list goes on... Think of the classiest girl you know, and she's probably living at Newnham House
If you were wondering about AM's attempted intermission, a look at the room ballot will probably give you some pointers... I would also rather fall on my own sword than live in the squalor of Barton Road
CB (161/164 on the ballot) reportedly not too worried about his low position, because he knows that in all likelihood he's probably spending most of next year institutionalised. At least the four padded walls that await him at Addenbrookes are probably of a higher standard than anything Barton Road might hold...
As the Newnham rooms dwindle and even Old House seems elusive, I began to wonder... where will HS fly his England flags? At least at Barton House is near a road, if he feels so inclined to use some red and white chalk to show his patriotic side
Now GC may have to take a room without his beautiful Beldam double bed and assortment of cuck chairs, what will him and his beau do on those cold nights they have to huddle for warmth (and yes, I'm obviously talking about BS...)
When you know you think everyone at the beloved Corpus Christi... someone you have never so much as seen will emerge from the shadows to take the last room in Newnham House. Take your guess: genuine Cambridge student or Mossad agent sent to ruin my life?
Romeo and Juliet... MW and her date... AZ and conversations in the library... even though Valentine's Day may be over, there are still some couples that endure no matter the obstacles. One such couple, though, may find themselves facing unsurmountable obstacles, as LO clinches a room at Newnham and leaves her beau TD still with hours before his slot and a scarcity of rooms left at our beloved Newnham house, the possibility of entering second year as the Lady and the Tramp (at Barton Road, no less) looms large over these lovebirds...
Newnham House was once a paradise, promised three thousand years ago to the second year party girls of Corpus Christi... now, between future third years who like to dabble outside of their own age brackets (not referring, for once, to MW) and STEM students who don't even leave their room grabbing up Newnham for themselves, what will become of this once great establishment?
CP (forgive the abbreviation) nabs NB01: any other prospective Newnham Housers be warned not to choose a room too close to his, lest you be awaken in the night by women of all ages roaming the halls post-coitus...
And so it begins. The annual, primal, deeply unserious scramble for Newnham House - the promised land of second year. Every year, without fail, it is the most coveted accommodation. Why? No one is entirely sure. Yes you can escape the rations of hall food but the kitchens are a warzone. No fridge space and countless encounters with people you’d rather not have to make small talk with. The luxury of no porters is the real selling point. However, MW has still managed to be portered 3 times. This freedom is all fun and games until its 4am and the fire alarm has gone off (which is probably DH’s fault), and Lee could not care less if we all burned alive. The mould really helps Newnham house feel like a Newnham home. Thank god for our endless supply of dehumidifiers. And then there’s the fishbowl. The architectural masterpiece. A giant glass exhibition space ensures that privacy is optional and eye contact is inevitable. This time they will have the pleasure of JW and IP to show them the ropes, but given JW microwave incident maybe Barton Road is the move… So many big beautiful Barton rooms still on the ballot. I can't believe it! A wonderful, idyllic rural retreat with the option to move to Y. - Chris Kelly
And then there was one. Like a P(3)hoenix from the ashes, JS from the bottom of the ballot, in an unprecedented, some would say generational, run swoops in and bags a crisp old court room. Absolute cinema. Im sure with his various extracurricular proclivities RM and EC are not going to have the quietest of neighbours but at least its not a fresher. A truly action packed end to the second year ballot and we wish all the best to the freshers (hmu if you want a soon to be third year sugar daddy btw) - SBR
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