The worst room in College?We are all slightly bemused by the decision of a certain Mr Bateman in picking Botolph 4a, aka hobbiton, aka the worst room in College.
Renowned for being a place where anyone taller than 6ft has 0square meters of standing headroom, and a place that rendered Seb Dickson from a bright young fresher to the twisted and broken man we all know today. George obviously knows what he wants, but just in case he is unsure as to whether he has made the right decision, let Archie Myrtle's wise words be of use: "Basically it's a pretty bad room, quite dark, dank, cold, sloping walls, low ceiling, not great storage, no sink, not that near a gyp room or toilets... I wouldn't wish it upon anyone" Or Maybe Max Roberts, "Botolph 4a is just about one of the worst rooms in college. In fact, there are plenty of bad reviews for the previous Botolph 4 - until they needlessly split it in two, making each subsequent room twice as bad." On the other hand, 4th years across college are breathing a sigh of relief, knowing they won't end up there. Let me pass on their thanks.
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Roshan Gino Ruprai has often been heralded as a brave man, for a whole host of reasons.
When noone else (apart from Damien wELFare Teague) would step up, he was ready to take the mantle and fight for the honour of first year in the big committee arena. Success not so much hounded him as plagued him and he soon racked up a magnificent porfolio of oh, at least 30% attendance. No-one is quite sure what his name is. I only have one name and people quite often forget that- I'm a pretty nondescript guy. Imagine having such inner fibre that you knew even without your chains and sleek jackets, people will have so much time for you that they'll remember not just one but two names for you in the midst of a busy Freshers' Week. But the tale of fearlessness that will be painted out in the Parker Libraries of 800 years hence will be of when he, flying in the face of literally this year's most biting room review, snatched up Newnham 11; either as some form of macho chest banging tough guy routine, or perhaps more purely motivated as yet another masochistic sacrifice to give his yearmates the life they deserve. Let's do a bit more in-depth analysis- you'll have to forgive any allusions and subtleties within the text that I may miss as a science student: "THIS ROOM IS BEAUTIFUL BUT LEADS TO MENTAL INSTABILITY. DO NOT PICK IT. IT SUCKS." Sometimes when presented with a big chunk of text I skim the intro and move on, but really? This thing starts going downhill on word 5. 23 characters stood impediment to the final reveal of this review's flavour. "I lay awake at night physically shaking" We've all done this the night before three simultaneous deadlines for which you haven't even had time to worry on account of the five more running variously at days, weeks and half-lives late, but poor Sarah was having her life ruined by this room in Week 0 of Michaelmas. Roshan may think he's hard but I just don't think he's got the body fat to weather Newnham's hallowed entrance lobby. "So basically if you're insanely warm blooded, can live on 4 hours sleep and don't like cooking this room is perfect for you. Enjoy!" It all makes sense now. Roshan Gino Ruprai is an insomniac snake. To be fair aren't we all at this place. Yo dogs so basically I posted like mad all of yesterday morning and early afternoon then someone told me I had two supervisions I'd forgotten about today so I went a bit AWOL and ngl I still haven't slept so these aren't gonna make a huge amount of sense kk right anyway here goes
The consensus that the current second years would try and look indie by bucking tradition and heralding Newnham as not shit has been welcomed in many corners. I myself have made frequent reference to the feeling of separation of uni and home life, the communal social kitchen areas, and the winged angel of death prowling the corridors in the early hours, hoovering to save us from asthma and stealing all of our cutlery to save us from suddent accidental tripping deaths. This is all very well, but it appears to have had the unfortunate side affect of persuading second years actually to live in Newnham. We are at ONE HUNDRED in the ballot and there are still FIVE COLLEGE ROOMS left. Admittedly one of them is the current residence of Emma "Most Likely to Die From and STI[1]" Lubel and would be considered tainted by some, but still the one directly above it is free and moderately unlikely to be haunted by the ghostly shrieks of pleasure, the memory of Emma's magnificent and punctual pulls. X5 gets a lot of rap but is actually kinda sweet and Sam Deutsch made a genuinely excellent gag about the X5 bus in his review. G9 contains the remnants of Curtis Booth's former scalp, but it's no worse than a heavily malting dog and he smells really nice so that'll probably linger [2]. I've never been in F12 but Doris has excellent taste in mathmos so suely excellent taste in rooms?? Come on guys sort it. Although actually a muntjac was spotted on Newnham lawn today so that's pretty exciting. If you know what one of those is. Sounds a bit like a name I got called in secondary school. [1] Halfway Hall awards ceremony, February 2017 [2] This is not a joke Curtis Booth smells really nice. Probably the vaping. To Kemlo's glee the 2 people between him and Tom leave the way clear for him to snatch up the room next to his beloved. The corner of Newnham will be rechristened Menlo Park in their honour and paired with its namesake in California. He commented on the resolution of the situation: "I haven't been this happy since Tom last scored for Corpus FC". Not wanting to debate whether Tom had ever in fact scored for Corpus I left him to continue his celebrations until the next time he concedes a goal by being chipped.
The ballot has mercilessly swept through the end of third year condemning 6 people to the reserve list with no choice. Despite seven college rooms still being available at the start of the second years the inevitable colonisation of the beast that is Newnham House has begun.
In a dark corner of the library a profusely sweating Kemlo Rose (the worse half of the fresher power couple Kemco) waits to see if he will again be brutally forced to live a whole flight of stairs away from his beloved Tom Mills. Roomour (see what I did there) has it that Kemlo has asked college if he can install a second bed in Newnham 20 and just share the room with Tom. His request was denied due to Corpus' 'draconian' guest rules. (With Credits to Ghost, http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/ghost/opuseponymous.html#4)
Underneath the moonlight of Trumpington skies, Access to the outside world, These patio doors provide. She was a lovely woman with an M.Eng soul, Pierced in the ears as fuck, From a land North and cold. Elizabeth, in the room of the patio, Forever young*, Elizabeth Hawkins in 8 T Street Oneeee, You're still here, Elizabeth! Her pact with Wendy, Her commune dreams shattered, Her act of picking the last third year room, Makes her one of ours**. Our remaining third years were refused their desires - why? To force the reserve list, She'd 8 TS 1 pick! Elizabeth, in the room of the patio, Forever young*, Elizabeth Hawkins in 8 T Street Oneeee, You're still here, Elizabeth! * i.e, forever a fresher ** i.e., a target on this blog page Incredible scenes as the room ballot has just skipped Kaya Wong! No room selected, no waiting- it didn't even wait until the end of her slot! However, in the room ballot, no one has friends and Herman Lam marched in and took the Coveted Bene't Street room. Word has it that Kathryn Burns has agreed not to ballot until it can be sorted out. SOurces say that people are running all over college to try and find Kaya to sort this out. Check back soon
A poem to Mr Else.
Why is tom else taking so long to ballot? Perhaps his criteria are Prolific maybe he is tied up, maybe he forgot. Tom, It doesn't matter what room you pick You'll get a Prize room anyway. As the sun comes up on Day 2 and Giuseppe Jafari's turn, its time to look back. Well, we were wrong.
Not only was Y staircase not the first staircase to go (that honour goes to N staircase), but it lasted until 51st! More people had chosen T street than Y staircase before Lizzie threw her fateful ballot. What the flip, guys! The first reserve list slot went with Sam Deutsch, escaping the shoebox that is X5, but to end up in what room? Pretty much exactly halfway down the ballot, it isn't quite as extreme but we must confer the Canessa Prize for first on the Room Ballot Other prize winners from the first day include Harry Sellen, going Botolph for the third year in a row; Robin Allez for stepping neatly sideways from 6TS7 and 6TS13. Perhaps the biggest emergent hero of the ballot is David Rowlands for his room review of G10- taking it into his own hands to improve the room. Now, let the next day begin Esther Brasset, usually found trying to be closer to God, snatches up Y1, in an effort to be closer to a kitchen.
She is closely followed by Lizzie Jackson, who snatches up... Y1, in an effort to be closer to a kitchen. Oh come on guys, stop being so flipping insufferably cute. Maybe it is the good memories, maybe it is because you are intimately familiar with the rooms already (or maybe staring at the ceiling ;) )but you really don't have to take each others rooms. We also all know that Jack will be taking Flis' room, but rumour has it that the myserious 'Reservation' on M2 is none other than Rowan... you heard it here first The ballot begins to take its toll. Asleep or murdered by a jealous potential Old-Courter? Only time and the odour will tell.
From an anonymous angsty correspondent:
Why it is taking Sam Deutsch longer to pick a room than it is for M2 to erg 100m is a mystery to the entirety of college, who know full well that he will only continue to live in the subterranean source of brunch that is the bar. Please Sam. We all want you to escape X5. Make your choice. Worthy of Varsity, no? After power is wrested from the hands of Harrison Fookes the indomitable (at least in terms of JCR elections (no bitterness here)) Jacob Bradley swoops in to snaffle up Y8. Now we wait on George Pliotis, the JCR President we wanted but didn't deserve. Rumours are abound that George was talking of taking a place on the reserve list, but these could be unfounded, as George wouldn't talk in the library. Only time will tell if George Pliotis will follow in the footsteps of OC, the earliest chooser of the reserve list in living memory (2nd year ballot c. 2015)
You're on a scholarship if you nab the cheap Y room because you can't stand to be twenty paces from your friends you are a lackadaisical excuse for a pantomime meme.
As Harry Jones prepares to strike, disaster gets there first. Prepared to finally move out of Beldam's inner sanctum, he hears the news that the WRONG Harry Jones is on the ballot. Snapped at the moment of discovery, he had this to say:
"Honestly a little bit of wee came out" (Harry Jones the Younger, 2017) Pray for HJ. Pray this becomes a meme. Matt is picking between F14 and E8.
You heard it here first. Unless you've been talking to **** ****** (investigative journalist who wishes to remain anonymous). Then you heard it here second. Harry Jones: "Why did you choose Y9?"
Freddie Briscoe: "I went in and the windows were-" [freddie makes ace symbol] [freddie walks off to finally consume food] The saga continues. Watch this space for new poll- Freddie Briscoe: Flying Snake or Karma Chameleon? Freddie has been spotted looking around Y. LOOKING AROUND. IT'S YOUR TURN YOU FILTHY ANIMAL.
As one observer put it: "Freddie is looking round Y This begs the question Y" Crowds of onlookers begin to gather, David Attenborough has assembled his crack camera squad and I can hear the sound of hissing. Freddie Briscoe has been able to select a room for half an hour.
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